The Üm Louts:
A Collection Of Short Stories
ISBN-978-1481172042
Publication Date: December 2012
A kingpin. A doctor. A castaway. A miser. A spot-fixer. A thief. A gourmand. A scribe. A captain. All lost. All adrift. All Üm Louts.
The ex-players of The Üm Louts, the finest five-a-side football team ever to grace the sandy Elms pitches in East London, have been flung to the four corners of the Earth. They each seek satisfaction in other walks of life away from the football field, but all they find is frustration and rage.
But one by one they receive a calling that resounds deeply in their hearts and forces them to reassess the stagnation in their lives. What great force could it be that drives these fallen men back to their place of their greatest triumphs? And will they be the same if they decide to heed the call?
The Üm Louts is a surreal look at the trials and tribulations of a fooball team that has lost its way, and will appeal to anybody who has ever submitted themselves and their team-mates to the emotional rollercoaster that is five-a-side football.
A Potted History Of This Book
The Üm Louts short stories collection was started unintentionally, really. A few of my friends and I had a mighty five-a-side football team that played in East London weekly on Tuesdays. In our first couple of seasons, we invariably lost. Good humour and morale within the squad was frequently only maintained by writing up thorough and irreverent match reports, detailing the ins and outs of the match, as well as a blog or comment piece, either by myself or our captain Alex.
After a particularly lacerating 4-0 defeat, from which our defensive rock Kevin - a forthright chap - was absent, I said to Alex: "imagine what Kevin will say when we tell him the result." He would not be happy, was the general consensus. So, to ease the mood, I decided to write a short vignette describing that unfelicitous telephone call. This was received by the team so well that I was encouraged to write a short story on each of the Üm Louts, eventually comprising the collection here.